The $1.50 Costco Hot Dog is the Last Bastion of American Exceptionalism

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Affordable housing? Nah. Universal healthcare? Nah. Women’s rights? Nah. Equality for LGBTQ+ folks? Nah. A quality of life meeting or exceeding first world nations? Nah. What’s left?

I have a mouth and I must scream. Photo by Grant Beirute on Unsplash

An attractively priced hot dog paired with a soda that costs six quarters is the last line of defense for this once great nation. Let us grieve together and then fight on (no, USC grads and dropouts, I don’t care for your commentary on this phrase) for our very right to exist.

Recently, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics released inflation numbers for June 2022. The nerds who compiled this report had inflation clocking in at a whopping 9.1%, the highest in forty years. The consumer punch in-da-gut, or CPI, has been going up for several months and includes categorical items such as food, energy, all items, and all items less food and energy. Whatever the heck that means. I’m not an economist, even when it comes to deciding if I can afford that extra patty at In ‘n Out or The Habit. Let alone trying to decipher macroeconomics. What is clear is that We The People are being bled out in the name of corporate profiteering.

I’m not an economist, even when it comes to deciding if I can afford that extra patty at In ‘n Out or The Habit.

How do we protect this beautiful, beefy, glistening American icon? After all, the simple hot dog may become part of the cradle of rebirth for America, the sole processed food product to hold the line against the cruelty of the grocery shrink ray. The grocery shrink way was created by the cocaine-fueled overclass that rules this once proud country in order to shrink the 3 food groups: pizza, ice cream, and hot dogs.

Factory-farmed pig buttholes that are are macerated in the fat of the selfsame animal and shoved into casings are something worth fighting for. While The Constitution may not have an enumerated right associated with adequate food, hot dogs are more than just adequate.

You gotta fight for your right to eat. Photo by Anthony Garand on Unsplash

Factory-farmed pig buttholes that are are macerated in the fat of the selfsame animal and shoved into casings are something worth fighting for.

I did a Costco run myself several months ago, and now have enough bags of rice to barricade my front door and enough cans of San Marzano peeled tomatoes to eat like a king until the global water wars start in 2037. I stopped to grab a hot dog and soda on the way out.

I’m not worried about myself. I am, however, worried about you, my American siblings. I’m so alarmed I might even become worried about the American territories Canada or Mexico next! Costco has provided the singular tool we need to rebuild our society.

20 Ounces to Freedom

Costco fact (Yes, this is an actual fact. I am so very sick of getting hundreds of emails from subscribers accusing me of making up fake facts in my previous articles, such as the one below. How dare you. See what you made me do? You made me write this whole thing when we could have progressed with the article. This is all your fault.): When Costco CEO Craig Jelinek was asked if he would raise the price of the hot dog and soda combo at Costco, he gave the laconic reply, “No.”.

By analyzing the tonality of this reply, it can be reasonably concluded that Craig also believes that society can be rebuilt based solely on holding the line on the price of a classic ‘dog in an economic downturn. The Spartans would be proud of Craig, but they also wouldn’t so much as crack a smile.

The tests of American exceptionalism can be defined as liberty, equality, individual responsibility, republicanism, and laissez faire economics. New American exceptionalism can be defined as the liberty to buy a ‘dog and a soda for $1.50, the equality of 1 ’dog =1 ‘dog, the individual responsibility of loading up your ‘dog with condiments so that it has maximum flavor but not so much that you ruin your favorite floral print shirt, republicanism in the form of a Costco membership, and laissez fair economics in that…does anyone know French?

Picture because my readers are not literate enough for text-only articles. Photo by Jessica Loaiza on Unsplash

The Costco hot dog makes us full. It is cheap. It is the last remaining mass-produced object that makes us the best and the greatest country (other than the buckets and buckets of nuclear warheads and the underlying threat that we may deploy them against our enemies). We were the first new nation and In Hot Dogs We Trust, we can become new again. Join the fight.